The end of a relationship

I've been so pissed off with my mobile service provider, Airtel that I decided to end their services. This is the venom-spewing letter I wrote to the motherfuckers at Airtel. May you fry in hell.

"To whoever it may concern,


I would like to bring to your notice that I have held an Airtel connection for the last 8 months. (Name: George Koshy, Phone no. 9880489606)



These 8 months have been the most excruciatingly painful months I have ever been with a mobile provider. I would rather be hung by my testicles from a thorn tree with spikes positioned under my ass, than ever set foot into an Airtel office again. I would rather recommend castration with a blunt butter knife, to my friends, than your connection. You
have reached new and painfully frustrating heights in your service. So much so that I have begun to dread the very thought that I might encounter one of your hoardings or your ads during the duration of my day.


A few of the many reasons:

1.
It started with the gentleman who came to take my details and give me the new connection. He wanted my credit card details but didn't mention to me that the bill will automatically debited to my card. I did not allow this standing instruction. It was carried forward by you without
my consent. This is a legal fraud and I can take you to court for this.


2.
I wanted my bills sent to my office and not my residence. This I put forward clearly to the same gentleman, who nodded his head vigorously but payed no heed. The next Month I get a phone call from customer care, asking if I have received my bill at my residence address. Imagine my surprise. I had clearly marked in the Application Form that I wanted my bills sent to my office, since my office pays it. Still, some incompetent minion in your mindless company decided to choose my residence address over my official address.


3.
It took 6 months for you to finally correct my address. During which I received no bills. Even of the requested duplicate bills, only 2 were received. Consequently, I have had to pay for the bills from my pocket.


4.
You have been giving out my number to every telecaller possible. Consequently I have been receiving phone calls from several unsavoury callers asking me if I wanted a new credit card, new case of condoms, a new pet dog and all sorts of other dubious offers. I'm not even beginning to talk about the new offer SMSs that I kept getting by the bushels every day.



For these and several more reasons, I wish to terminate my account with you IMMEDIATELY. With effect from today.



I have switched back to Hutch and am very very happy.



I hate you people so much that If I ever have a son, I will forgive him for any tresspasses - for being a cunt, for being a drug addict, for voting BJP, for being a serial killer, for being a rapist, for being a politician... anything but taking an Airtel Connection. There is no excuse for that.

Thank you and good riddance,

George Koshy

Books

I went to Bombay last week and went berserk at Crosswords. Bought some insane amount of books. Haven't told anyone about them yet cos I'm worried about someone asking for them before I read them.

Reading a book for the first time is like popping a cherry. You want to do it cos you bought it after all. Why should someone else get first shot?

Also there's the new book smell.. Aaah! Iove the smell of the toner or the ink. Whatever makes it smell so heavenly.

There's no dangerof anyone I know in Bangalore reading this so I'll put up a list of my latest acquisition here. They are:

Paddy Clark Ha ha ha - Roddy Doyle
The Van - Roddy Doyle
Junky - William S Burroughs
The Cold Six Thousand - James Ellroy
L.A. Confidential - James Ellroy
The Big Sleep - Raymond Chandler
High Fidelity - Nick Hornsby
Stories for the sleepless (Or something too that effect) -Roald Dahl
Eyre affair - Jasper Fforde

Only the lonely

I've been wondering why I make friends with the most unlikely of people. I mean, people who I hang out with aren't even normal. They're as mad as hatters.

Take for instance my best friend. We've been friends since grade 11. ( My father's a cop and he got shifted around a lot in the custom of the Indian Police Service. This was the only time I made a good friend who didn't live across the state.)

This guy sells everything he owns except his bike and buys himself a broadcast quality Video camera and then disappears. I meet him after 8 months, shaven from head to foot.

A little probing reveals that he had been to Tibet. Ordinarilly I wouldn't consider this extraordinary, except for the fact that he jumped the border. He travelled illegally into Tibet, trying to document a long forgotten occult religion called 'Bohn'.

If that wasn't mad enough, he couldn't use normal means of transportation for fear of being found by the Chinese, who, might I ad, would shoot him for a spy if he was caught. He therefore travels by horseback with a bunch of nomads. And since they only bathe once in a month, ( if you're lucky), he had to shave all the hair off his body so as to keep out the body lice.

Once, he travelled three days on horseback. When he finally got off, he realized he couldn't remove his pants. This was because the saddles are made of wood, you see. Constant rubbing against his skin had made his skin bleed and the blood clotted, bonding his skin to the trousers. He had to pour hot water over his butt before he could painfully remove it inch by inch.

Example No 2. My other good friend from college. He's studied with me in St. Stephens, went on to get an MBA from one of the most prestigious universities in the country. Went on to join an MNC at a salary that would make people's jaw drop.

Today, he's quit his job and he practices Reiki. He travels by buses, not even rickshaws, mind you, and lives in a one room set in the back of beyond.

Mad as hatters. All of them. Maybe I'm just the same and that's why I get along so well with them. I can't dig ordinary people. I can't discuss "Brokeback Mountain" and the Academy Awards.

Like Kerouac says,

" They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' "

I love my crazy insane bunch of friends. Mates! I'd choose you guys over the whole world, everytime.