Homecoming Queen

My body's back within the relative safety of my cubicle in Grey Worldwide with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. But my mind's still wandering. I walk around making conversation with people in the office, talking to clients, going to meetings. But I'm still not quite here.

If you saw me, you wouldn't know it, but I can feel it deep within. My analytical mind's here, taking on problems, dealing with common everyday issues, cracking campaigns and ideas. But another more important part of my mind's somewhere. Home doesn't feel like home anymore.

I was afraid something like this would happen, but I knew I had to do it. Before leaving I'd told a friend that this trip is bound to change me. For the better or for worse, remains to be seen. I remember shivering while packing, my pulse rate way higher than normal. A constriction in my chest. A part of me was telling me I shouldn't leave. This was no ordinary trip. It was almost like crossing a line that you know you can't come back from.

The closest comparison I can find is that guy in the movie the Matrix. The guy who betrayed Neo and the team, just to be able to go back and taste a juicy steak, even if he knew it was fake. I mean, no matter what he enjoys in that make believe world, sex, food, drink, success anything, deep down he'll know it's all fake. And sooner or later he would start to loath it.

I feel like that guy. I have come back because I have the security of a job, a salary, a car etc. etc. But I know now that I'm only pretending to like it. My soul's not in it anymore. I'm merely going through the motions. I'm playing the game just to be able to make some money to sponsor my next travel. But I feel like I betrayed someone. I was supposed to travel sans anything, but was too much of a coward to go on. Maybe someday I will have the strength to shake off all my worldly encumberments and leave.

For now, the coffee tastes good.